Dawn Porter to the rescue!
heart you Dawn x
I'm in one of those crappy moods where I feel like the world is against me and 'I don't know why I bother because everything I do is rubbish anyway'. Ugh. There's no real reason why I should be feeling this way although I put most of it down to being ill and the 'come down' from my fortnight in London.
We've talked before (well, I've talked, you've listened) about my abundant self doubt, sporadic self loathing, massively inconvenient inferiority complex and to be honest this schtick is getting old. I'm bored of having these recurring periods of feeling like a big fat failure and I'm also more than a wee bit tired of allowing others peoples words and opinions to affect me so greatly and it seems I'm not the only one.
At this point I should say if you don't already know who Dawn Porter is you should immediately google her, watch her youtube vids/showreel and follow her on twitter (@hotpatooties). This lady is funny, smart, beautiful, successful and more than a little quirky. In essence, I wish she were my bff and we could hang out, talk nonsense, laugh (a lot), drink wine and eat - a girl who likes her food is a girl after my own heart. You might say I have a slight girl crush on Dawn and have done for quite some time - her documentary Seriously Dirty Dancing merely confirmed what I had suspected in Super Slim Me, this girl rocked hard.
You'd think then, that someone with an awesome career, endless talents, an adorable face and enviable relationship (did I mention she's dating funnyman Chris O'Dowd? It must be a howl a minute in their gaff!) would allow others negativity affect them. I mean, what does Dawn care if some loser doesn't think she's the bees knees when she has several thousand other people telling her how fabulous she is on a daily basis? But that's the thing with criticism. No matter how many compliments we may receive in our lifetime, we will always focus on the few times someone told us we sucked.
This is exactly the position I'm in at present. There are so many wonderfully exciting things happening in my life, all of them positive, and yet I am honing in on a few silly indirect (yet totally direct, if you get me?!) comments that I'm sure were made to either put me in my place or simply make me feel like s***! It's so maddening it makes me want to scream, which I'm sure is precisely the desired reaction - so great, you win, you happy now?
The thing is, I'm almost one hundred percent sure these people are not happy at all, otherwise why would they waste most of their time hurling insults at others and demeaning everything they do. Just why? Why do you do it? I don't spend my days trawling the internet looking for someone to direct my frustrations at because I see it as a completely pointless exercise. Let it be known, the internet does not give you carte blanche to be a dick.
I was at the height of my crappy mood yesterday and trawling through the archives on Dawn's blog (TheDawnReport - read it, funny as heck) when I came across a post I hadn't previously read. This more than timely blog post came at the most opportune moment - when I felt like punching a hole through my computer screen - and made me realise what I already knew but needed to hear from someone else. The title of the blog post that rescued me from irrevocably hurting my purple dell? Bitching doesn't make anyone feel good. How totally completely right on is that?
Like the girl says, none of us are perfect and, yes, like many people I enjoy a good 'ol bitch now and again in the privacy of my home and primarily with my Hubbie, Mum, Sister or Friends but very little of it is malicious or unprovoked - that's my story and I'm sticking to it - and I would never dream of posting snide remarks that I know will ultimately hurt someone on the internet. Again, why? We all have our gripes. It's natural to have differing opinions and just because we might not see things in the same way, doesn't necessarily mean we have to actively and publicly ridicule one another.
Luckily for Dawn she received an apology from her hater but I doubt I will ever get one from mine as I'm not even sure they realise they are one. Like Dawn, I feel disappointed in myself for caring so much. It should be entirely irrelevant to my happiness but when someone consistently derides your every move it becomes magnified and, no matter how zen you try to be, it inevitably encroaches on your life. In times like these, it's difficult to remember that the only reason we tend to criticise others is when we ourselves feel threatened or are in some way envious of their life:
I will be grateful to Mr P forever now. Not for calling me names in the first place, but for reminding me that people who attack other people are the ones with the problem. Otherwise, why the on earth would you do it? What decent, normal or happy person feels the need to put others down or make anyone feel like crap about themselves?
Equally, I'm not sure whether I can say I'm grateful for the nasty remarks I've taken too much to heart but what I will promise myself is to try my very best not to let it affect how I conduct myself either on the internet or in 'real life'.
I like me. My Husband likes me. My Family like me. My Friends like me. And regardless of what a few people might think about me, this is what really matters. Perhaps these people hope you might stop believing in yourself (wishful thinking hater) but I am here to emphatically exclaim that I'm stronger than you think! All the hating in the world won't stop me from doing the things I enjoy or pursuing a 'pie in the sky' career. I may not the loudest girl on the block but I'll defend myself if and when I have to. Your words do hurt and probably will continue to but just so you know, they won't alter my perception of myself nor will they quash my dreams, desires or ambitions. So there.
Just in case you didn't get the message, here's another pearl from Dawn:
Imagine a day when everyone is just really nice. A day when you tell the people you admire why, and rather than tell people you hate them you just leave them alone and click ‘unfollow’?
Cue empowered woman and empowering song.........